Withholding My Orgasm(s): An Experiment
I have always had a very high libido. Even for a youngish man. Near insatiable. It didn’t matter if I had an orgasm. A few minutes later, I was ready and wanting to get back in the saddle to please my partner even further. And I would probably continue playing with them using my hands or mouth until those few minutes elapsed.
For the first 5 years or so of my wife and I’s marriage, we were having sex every other night. At least. And I would still find the time to masturbate nearly every day. A few years after our marriage, sex settled into a reliable every 2–3 days occurrence. And I would still masturbate nearly every day.
But about two years ago, two things happened simultaneously.
- I entered my mid 30's
- I began studying and exploring tantric sex
Shortly following these two things, something happened. My wife and I were/are still having sex consistently every 2–3 days on average but I stopped masturbating between our sex. It slowly happened but as I started to pay more attention to my body and to the books I was reading on sex and pleasure, I realized that while I still could have an orgasm or two a day, the orgasms with my wife were less intense and took a bit longer than my normal to achieve. I already tend to feel guilty about how long I like to have sex before I orgasm anyway.
Another odd phenomenon? Making myself orgasm before having sex with Mrs Teadad started to almost feel like… cheating. Not in the literal way. I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong and she didn’t care at all how much I jacked off because I’ve always been a ready and willing partner. But, it was almost like I wasn’t saving the best for her.
It was right around this point that I decided to try an experiment in withholding. I stopped getting myself off between our sexual encounters. And you know what? Our sex increased in intensity. By a wide margin. There was something about saving up and holding my sexual energy exclusively for her that turned what we already thought was great sex into something beyond. I also discovered that I could have “dry” orgasms. I am able to have an orgasm without ejaculation. That took practice with breathing and self control but once I got it, it was a bit like riding a bike. You just can. And they are different sensations from a traditional orgasm. They can feel very intense but there isn’t a satisfaction afterwards which allows me to continue to engage in what I am doing without a refractory period.
Now, to be certain, other factors came into play during this time and discovery as well. Mrs. Teadad was finally discovering what I was trying to tell her for years; she didn’t have to stop having orgasms after one or two. She was finally able to break through that mindset that had been built and ingrained in her mind from before we were together. We had also been working on her ability to squirt. That ability seemed to click into place right around this same time. All of it formed to give her a sexual confidence that wasn’t fully developed beforehand.
- Side note: Let this be a lesson and an example. It can take years of trust and practice to get your partner to the level of sexual confidence and ability they are capable of. If they have internalized unhealthy thoughts or ideas on sex, it may take plenty of time and patience from you to fully support their journey and exploration. If they are willing to put in the work with you, it is completely worth it.
With all of that background information in place, it brings me to the current situation. Tonight would be the third night of sexual abstinence for us. Normally, this would be a no-brainer. Especially on a Friday night. We’d be having some lengthy and kinky sex tonight. However, tomorrow our children will be staying with their aunt and uncle for an over night. We will have the house to ourselves. So, do we have sex two nights in a row with the second night being just wonderful but maybe a little less intense for both of us? Or, do we hold out another night and let that extra passion build up and then explode in a long and loud fashion?
Some people might think the easy choice is to just have sex two nights in a row. I tend to agree. Both nights will be amazing. Why limit ourselves? Totally agree. But I’m also into exploring my sexual limits.
Others might see the easy choice in just waiting an extra day. Especially since it’s only been a few days since we’ve last had sex. And while I can see that perspective, the thing that makes it difficult for us is that we have rarely, if ever, gone more than 3 days in a row without having sex in the 10 years we’ve been married. That is, of course, making exceptions for illness and the rare travel where we’ve been away from each other.
I’m completely aware that for some of you this is going to seem ridiculous. Like, “Oh no, you poor thing. You have to wait four days to have sex? How will you manage?” And while I get that some don’t have sex near that often, that is not our reality. We have purposefully and pointedly set up our relationship and life to be very oriented around our sexual connection. So, yes, for us, going an extra day or two without sex when we just… could… seems like a long time for us.
In the subtitle, I said that I dabbled in Tantric sex and that is true. I have read, studied, and practiced aspects of it for the past couple of years. I’m really good at eye contact, breathing with a partner, extending touch and massage, slowly building sexual energy, communication, etc. But I am not an expert. I am teaching myself. The one thing that I have struggled with however is holding my orgasm for more than a couple of days. I have a chance to push my limits (my favorite thing to do, especially sexually) by waiting some extra time.
However, after the kiss goodbye I just gave my wife, I fear I am not strong enough to resist her while being in front of the roaring fireplace or our bed. It was a simple kiss goodbye. Yet I found myself teasingly lingering by her lips before making contact, brushing against them ever so slightly while letting our breathe mingle before. Finally, our mouths came together and both of our tongues found each other, soft and gentle before we pulled away, knowing that if we didn’t, we would be lost in that kiss and our passion.
And to be honest, my wife doesn’t see the merit in edging and waiting on orgasms. Her motto is, “Why would I deny myself that when I’m so close and I just can have more afterwards?” Which is perfectly fine and a great way to think. I support my wife having as many orgasms as she wants, when she wants them. But for this particular experiment in edging and delaying, she is less a supportive partner and more a devil on my shoulder. If my shoulder were located on my cock.
Friends, I don’t think I am strong enough to hold out. And I am quite sure that Mrs. Teadad wants it just as much as I do. Can I really deny her? We shall see. But… probably not. Tantra be damned.