Unlocking a Woman’s (Long Term) Passion
Welcome to the first article addressing a multitude of factors and issues concerning creating a loving and passionate relationship with your partner.
Personally, I have made it my life’s mission to create the best relationship that I can with my wife. I find it comes naturally to do many of the things that I’ll be discussing. But I understand it is not that way for millions of people who might be trying but are struggling or just don’t know where to start. Anytime I hear about someone struggling to connect with a partner or just wondering what a truly open, safe, and loving relationship looks like or if it is even real, my heart goes out to them. I wish I could take them up and show them the wonders of what that looks and feels like. To shower them with love and allow them freedom to be who they are so they know it is real and possible. It is such a large part of who I am and what makes me happy. It hurts me to think others haven’t ever experienced that kind of passion, intensity, and safety.
I do not have any formal education or career experience specifically in any therapy or couples counseling (though I did study Psychology before switching my major to Social Work and Sociology). I have not conducted scientific sexual studies at the Kinsey Institute even though I feel like that would probably be one of my dream jobs. So, please, don’t confuse this article with professional advice. What I do have is a lot of curiosity surrounding human sexuality and relationships. I have read numerous books surrounding these topics. And I have a metric ton worth of passion and intensity revolving around pleasing a woman and igniting her own passions and desires on a daily basis.
When I refer to a woman’s passion, I’m not talking about that initial burst of hormones and the period of sexual attraction that first hits two people who find each other attractive in one way or another. Lust is a powerful thing and rarely takes too much extra work. It tends to be an instinctual response to an initial strong attraction.
What I am talking about is a long term, lasting, intense bond that can be cultivated to bring your sexual relationship to new heights even after that first stage of attraction was supposed to wane away into pleasurable memories.
You may have taken note of two things in my subtitle. First, that I addressed men specifically. This is not to say that some of this information couldn’t be helpful for women of any or all sexual orientations. It certainly could be great advice for anyone. However, as a heterosexual man myself, I’m not in the business of telling women how they should do anything, really, let alone sexual advice.
But my fellow men? Uh… hmm… well… It is my experience in talking with both men and women about sex for the last 20 years that perhaps a decent contingent of men out there could use all the advice and help we can get on how to consistently keep a woman engaged sexually over the long term. Sorry, guys. Sometimes the truth hurts when we stare it in the face. It is not entirely your fault. Combine a lack of sexual education due to taboo’s and the notion that men can’t discuss matters of sex and sexuality with other men unless it is crass and crude due to toxic ideas of masculinity and we have ourselves a large swath of men who haven’t been taught or shown better. But it is on us to take the initiative to better ourselves.
That second part of that subtitle states “It can be easier than you think.” Which may end up being a bit misleading for some of you. Because, yes, it can be easy. But it also might not be to others. It does take effort, time, commitment, and sincerity to achieve the results that I think most men want which is a partner who knows them fully and desires them equally. There are two sides to the coin here, of course. You absolutely need a partner who is open and willing to accept your love and efforts. If you don’t have an open or receptive partner, I’m afraid some of this advice won’t work despite anyone’s best efforts.
What might be the keys to helping you reach new heights of passion with your love? In this series of articles, I plan to touch upon communication, vulnerability, being a conduit for passion, touching, stimulating the mind before the body, confidence, consistency, patience, and perhaps a few other topics.
Today, let’s take a look at the first one on the list.
Communication. This is going to be at the top of any good advice involving relationships. To be honest, it is probably going to be the main component in pretty much every topic going forward from here. On the surface, it isn’t sexy. It kind of makes some people cringe. But it can be sexy. And a lack of it is one of the quickest ways to doom a relationship.
Some of that failure to connect may have to do with differentiating styles of communication. That is valid. It is important for partners to understand each other’s preferred method of expressing themselves and to understand and operate within that framework. Understanding our partners by asking them what methods of communication would be most effective to them is a huge step in eliminating some barriers that can effect how we hear and take in information.
For myself, part of the reason I may be so invested in making sure that communication is a priority is that not only have I had a few relationships fall apart when I was younger because we weren’t on the same page with expressing our feelings but I also watched my parents marriage, once brimming with passion and playfulness, fall apart. Largely due to lack of communication as they grew older. And I do not want to lose someone I love simply because I didn’t keep talking, asking, and just overall being curious about her mind, body and soul. My wife has been really great and influential in helping us realize our communication styles and working with them rather than making them a point of contention.
Another reason men specifically struggle with communication may have to do with the fact that men equate communication with exposing their emotions and therefore appearing weak. I am of the belief that the more adult men normalize to boys and young men that showing emotions other than anger is not only okay but necessary, the better we will be in setting up these young men for success in the future. Crying is not weakness. Expressing emotions, love for others, is not a weakness. They are what make us human. They are what make us whole.
Whatever the reason, it is up to us as individuals to recognize our barriers and to work on bringing them down. Also, it is important to know that communication doesn’t mean agreeing 100% of the time. Your partner needs to know they can voice their opinion, one which may differ from yours, without the fear of you getting angry. Anger is one of the quickest ways to shut down open and effective communication.
So, in what ways can we use this openness to communicate with our partners and to make them feel safe enough to reciprocate and to continue that shared passion for each other?
Express yourself to her in a kind and loving way. And do it throughout the day, not just when you are horny or already having sex. Personally, my love language is sex so I understand how easy it is to fall into this trap. When I am with a partner sexually, that is when I am most likely to feel connected in an almost spiritual way. When we are locked into the moment of desire, the whole world fades away and I find it easier to express myself and my desires a tad bit more. And that is wonderful and should be one of the goals. But do consciously make the effort to try and connect throughout the day as well. Compliment her randomly with no expectations or motives other than to make her feel good about herself. Text her that you are thinking about her. Call her to tell her you just wanted to hear her voice. Email her your thoughts about anything you’ve recently been pondering. Ask her for input or advice. Involve her with your innermost workings. Make her feel like she is truly your partner and that you are truly hers. These, when done consistently, can help establish a baseline feeling of trust and safety, both paramount for women wanting to continue to feel connected with you and passionate about you.
I am constantly thinking and seeing things through the eyes of my relationship. If I see something beautiful out on a walk, I’ll either take a picture and text it to my wife or I’ll make sure to file it in my brain under “things to talk about later.” Sharing each other’s days with each other will help breed closeness and connection.
Another important thing that we do? We make space for each other to have time with each other. Between her working 40–60 hours a week and having children of ages 13, 8, and 2, it can be hard. But we have created space. We have told our children (barring special occasions) that once it is 9 pm, you don’t have to be asleep but you do have to be in your rooms because that is now adult time. It is time for my wife and I to sit on the front porch or the back patio and just chat. It is time for me to read aloud to her. It is time for her and I to get high and have sex. It is time for all of those things. And we have carved it out for ourselves because if we don’t, no one else will. That is our time and it is sacred and special.
Other ways to increase communication and passion for each other? Open up about your own desires, passions, fantasies, both sexual and nonsexual. It can be scary, sure, but if you cannot tell these things to your partner, than who can you tell them to? Ask about her desires, passions, and fantasies. Keeping these things pent up is a recipe to ferment frustrations and feelings of disconnect between you and your lover. It is best to get them out in the open and to really know who each other is and who you long to be, both as individuals and as a couple. Though, do realize that sharing them doesn’t mean the other person has to actually participate in them if it is outside of their comfort zone. Share them so you can understand each other and not feel isolated with them.
It can be scary to be vulnerable and trusting. But do it anyway. Let down your guards. Create a safe space of communicating anything and everything, not just sex, for the both of you. Tell her what you are thinking. Ask her what she is thinking. Encourage her to share things about herself, her day, her thoughts. And LISTEN. TO. HER. Communication is like many roads. It goes both ways.