How My Wife and I Maintain an Active Sex Life Despite Having Children in the House

It’s extra hard during a pandemic but it can be done.

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

I’m just going to be blunt. Getting laid during a pandemic is tough. For singles out there. For couples with children. It’s hard enough for many already for a multitude of different reasons. But throw in the stressors of a novel virus and all that comes with it? It is a different ballgame.

For parents like my wife and I, having our 3 children home ALL. THE. TIME. is potentially a mood killer. Personal space has shrunk. Demands on us have increased as we are now their main outlet for socialization that is not on a screen. I am also their co-educators. I find myself acting as a preschool teacher, 3rd grade teacher, and 8th grade teacher while my wife still works full time. Though, to be fair, I am not doing the lesson planning for the two older ones. I am just helping guide them through it. Shout out to the teachers out there, by the way. I love all of ya’ll.

My wife and I are certainly not alone. So many of you are out there pulling triple duty with your work life, being part time teachers, and being outlets for your children in place of a rich social life.

Luckily, Mrs. Teadad and I already had a strong set of boundaries in place at our home that would allow us to maintain an active sex life with each other even during these odd times and circumstances. Obviously these following suggestions won’t work for everyone. We all find ourselves in different situations where we are just doing the best that we can. Hopefully at least one thing that works for us might be utilized in your own life to help you and your partner.

Boundaries-

Setting certain boundaries with our children has been a huge plus for us. With our kids ranging in age from teenager down to a toddler, bedtimes are kind of all over the place. But the one hard rule we’ve put into place is that by a certain time of night, all of the children are in their bedroom. They don’t have to be actively trying to sleep but they do have to be in their rooms winding down for the night. And we do allow for flexibility during some weekend nights or holidays or any other special events. But, for the most part, when we say it’s bedtime, they know it is time to retire to their own areas.

This allows for a few things. Between work and children constantly underfoot, my wife and I get precious few moments to connect one on one. It is a small window and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it be any smaller by having our children roaming about underfoot into the night time hours. No, once the children are in their rooms or beds, that is OUR time. That is when my wife and I share and talk about things, read to each other, play games together, take some edibles, give each other massages and, yes, have sex.

I think we, but more specifically my wife, used to be a little bit more paranoid about if the kids were going to hear us having sex. She has come a long way though as illustrated by her recent statement of, “If they don’t want to hear us having sex than maybe they shouldn’t be roaming around the house at 11 at night.” Not only do I agree with that but I was so proud of that statement coming out of her mouth. We aren’t inconsiderate love makers. We reserve our louder sex for when the children are out of the house (rare times, indeed). But we do need our own time and space to have sex. Boundaries have allowed us to carve out that time and space.

Plan Ahead-

What do we put on our calendars? Important work meetings, appointments, certain celebrations, reminders, and a few other things. And we do it so that we remember to actually show up and do those things, right?

Well, what could be more important, more of a celebration to remember to do than connecting intimately with our partners while we have sex? In my opinion, not much. Our relationship is the bedrock, the very foundation of what keeps everything we’ve built running smoothly. And it only makes sense to reinforce that connection and foundation rather than let it crumble.

I’m not suggesting that you actually put it on a calendar, though that is perfectly fine. But checking in or talking with your partner and planning a special evening spent together in your bedroom is a great way to cement that appointment in your minds. My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. At this point, our libidos are kind of our built in calendar. We just now plan on having sex every 2–3 days. Obviously there is some room for flexibility. Sometimes we will have sex two nights in a row and then not again for 3 nights after. But we rarely go more than 3 nights. Even if we are tired, we make that time for each other to connect. And we never end up regretting it.

This is kind of the calendar that we have set up. Talk with your partner and come up with your own planned schedule. Leave room for negotiation. Be flexible when it is needed. But definitely do try to plan something on a regular basis because if you stick with a routine, after a short while it can become a habit.

It isn’t the sexiest advice ever but it is something that can help build consistency.

Foreplay-

And I don’t just mean the things you do immediately before sex when you’re already naked. Foreplay can, and probably should, begin happening early in the day and continue throughout. Is there anything more sexy than being vulnerable with each other and telling your partner how much you desire them?

There are so many ways to connect. Texts, emails, phone calls, leaving little notes. Utilize them. Tell your partner you are thinking about them. Call just to hear their voice. Text something dirty you are thinking about or want to do to them. Email them telling them how much you love them. Leave a note in their car expressing how you’ll miss them today and can’t wait to connect tonight.

Also, don’t forget about touch. I know my wife responds the best to this form of foreplay throughout the day. A caress on the inner thigh. A brief neck rub. A little bit of effort throughout the day can go a long way towards stoking that mood for later in the evening. Being affectionate in front of your children is a good way to show them that their parents love each other (even if they do protest and try to separate you). It is a great way to model what a healthy, affectionate relationship looks like.

And while we are on the topic of touching, this next idea may go against the very idea of foreplay in some people’s minds but if you and your partner find yourself with a scant five minutes of time where the kids are off doing their own thing, sneak into your room/bathroom/basement etc and have a brief tryst. A short quickie or rub where neither of you orgasm but just feel each other’s body intermingle together can be a great way to get excited for what is to come. A brief preview can make for wonderful foreplay.

There are surely numerous other ways to help ensure an active and healthy sex life while also being parents. Hopefully these three I have listed can get you started or even inspire your own ideas. If you have things that have helped you and your partner continue to get down and dirty, please do share your secrets.

Good luck out there parents. And don’t forget to build that foundation between you and your partner so the rest of your home can rest strongly upon it.

Formerly Teadad. Dad, husband, sensualist, polymath. Lover of human sexuality, beauty, nature, the written word & much more. edwardsaudioadventures@gmail.com

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