Sometimes I like to retreat and hide from the world and reality. I will immerse myself in activities and fade away from everything else. Solitary distractions.

Sometimes I like to be chased. I often do so much of the chasing and initiating that I’ll fantasize of someone wanting me so badly that they come looking for me in the veil I have pulled around myself. Searching for my love, intimacy, voice. It’s the longing that allows you to find me.

Lover, come find me. I am in the deep inhale of breath, held in my lungs as I stretch. I close my eyes, focus on breathing to where my stretch feels tight. I slowly and deeply draw oxygen down into my muscle tissue. It eventually releases while my head spins in oxygenated ecstasy. I hear the soft ambient music fade to the background. There is nothing but my thoughts. I clear them, allowing myself to be an open vessel. Lover, come find me here in the fuzzy, tingly consciousness filled with fluffy, foggy white wisps of clouds. I have created this just for us. A space to exist in our own minds. Let us meet across miles and planes of existence and stretch what we know to be possible. …

I have a lot of fantasies running through my head at any given time. Some of them I have already indulged in reality. Some I think I could probably make happen with some planning and time. Some have been with me for years and have been relegated to the “probably will never happen” category.

However, this particular fantasy is a new one that has recently been popping up in my head all throughout my days. …

“Be a man.”

“Don’t cry, you pussy.”

“Suck it up.”

“Man up.”

These phrases and so many more are used to condition boys from a young age that being tender, vulnerable, in touch, and accepting one’s own emotions is unacceptable. Unmanly.

Men: regardless of your shape, size, color, sexuality, background, religion, nationality, culture, you are allowed to be all of those aforementioned things. Because that is who we are capable of being, as men.

Unfortunately, it is beaten into us, verbally, mentally, physically, that if we show an ounce of the traditionally thought of feminine traits, we aren’t really men.

It is a lie. …

If you go through and look at my collection of articles and stories here on Medium, you’ll find that most of what I write, even about sex, comes from an angle of deep love, emotion, and respect for my partner, my wife.

While I definitely write about more than just vanilla sex between a husband and a wife (ie: the one where I talk about our squirting kink), I realize that a lot of what I write is very tender and loving. But after last night, I’m motivated to expose a different side of myself. One that is a bit more primal and raw. …

50 Words

Watch me as I shed my old skin
Not because it’s a new year
No, it is more akin
To the greatest motivator: fear

Floundering in the unknown
Now I take control of my life
The seeds of chaos previously sown
I’m doing this for me, my children, my wife.

I didn’t make a New Years' resolution. I don’t tend to make those. So it kind of pisses me off that this life event occurred close to New Years' because now people will think this was all spurred on by that. It’s not.

Back in Mid December, I was afflicted by an unknown (still) health condition. I’ve long needed to get into better shape. Whatever this is has scared me into making lifestyle changes. There is no diet. It is just eating healthier, smaller portions, tracking my intake, and trying to keep my sodium in check. I’ve also been exercising more in the form of more walks, yoga, and biking. It is all been very easy for me, so far. I still eat things I like, just less of the unhealthy things. I’ve lost almost 12 pounds in the past three weeks. That includes over the holidays. I can’t wait to be healthier than I’ve ever been before. …

I was lying in bed with my wife the other night. We were both enjoying each other’s company and relaxing by talking and touching each other lovingly. Truth be told, we were essentially using up some time until we were sure the kids were asleep so we could progress into more physical and carnal activities.

While sex is often thought of as the main event, sometimes the twenty or thirty minutes beforehand is where some of my favorite moments occur. We connect and discuss the events of the day or week. We touch each other gently. On this particular day, all of that happened. It was sweet, tender, and loving. …